DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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