He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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