Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
