You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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