I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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