He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
