My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
