Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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