Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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