I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just found a bag of teeth...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
