mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
