Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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