Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
