if you like me you must not know who I am
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
