i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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