I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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