if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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