Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
