If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
