I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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