Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
