Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
