I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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