you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
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When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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