dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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