If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
