If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
