My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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