Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
