I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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