cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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