also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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