Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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