we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
