PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
