My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
