the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
