Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
