seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
