Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm getting married
To pizza
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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