I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
