I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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