I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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