She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
