I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
