getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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