So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Drunk is not a location!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
