seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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