I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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