Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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