The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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