when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
