I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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