my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
